Saturday Action Matinee

Flash Gordon (1936), Chapter 1: “The Planet of Peril”

“We are doomed, Mr. Gordon.”

No, that’s not Flash being addressed; that’s his father, Professor Gordon (Richard Tucker), one of a bunch of morose astronomers looking through their viewfinders at a planet hurtling through space, on a collision course with Earth. (They say it’s hurtling; it looks more like it’s hanging there when they show it to us, but it’s so hard to gauge speed in outer space.) People are panicking all over the world, as realized by two-second clips of stock footage depicting crowds in London, Rome, Paris, Shanghai, India, Africa, and Arabia. (”I love our film library!”) And there’s nothing to be done. Of course, there’s that crazy Dr. Zarkov, who thinks he can fly his own rocketship to the oncoming planet, but.. . Pfft! Insane!

Meanwhile, the Gordon you were waiting to see, the professor’s polo-playing son Flash (Buster Crabbe), is on a twin-prop passenger plane to be home with his dad for the fiery end of the world. (Do we ever see Flash’s mad polo skillz on display? Ah-ah, that would be a spoiler.) Also on the plane is blonde bombshell Dale Arden (Jean Rogers), nervous at the sheer number of meteors the plane has to dodge. When the captain gently suggests that this may be an appropriate time to bail out, Dale and Flash end up sharing a parachute (don’t most classic romances begin this way?). And wouldn’t you know it, they touch down right on Dr. Zarkov’s mountain property, not twenty feet from Zarkov’s rocket. And Zarkov himself (Frank Shannon), who quickly co-opts Flash as his co-pilot on a desperate mission to the approaching planet, which Zarkov believes is being intentionally piloted, and which is “intensely radioactive.” I’m guessing Flash never learned what that might mean both for his white blood cell count or for his virility. And they bring Dale along because, hey, what would they do with her otherwise?

It becomes immediately apparent why Zarkov needed a co-pilot; he gave the rocket a sunroof, but no windshield (oh, but we have a periscope, goodie). Once Zarkov’s fireworks-powered rocket takes off, Dale almost faints; seems Zarkov almost forgot to turn on the oxygen tanks. I mention this only to point out that, while Dale’s collapsing, neither Flash nor Zarkov seem to notice anything wrong. If you were to conclude that Dale is thus prone to fainting, you would have your supposition borne out in future episodes. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

After a flight through a suspiciously cloudy outer space and past the , they touch down on the craggy surface of the strange planet, not far from a towering city. Despite being roughly where the suburbs should be, they emerge from the rocket to find the terrain infested with one of my favorite kinds of creature: Enormous iguanas, with rubber bits glued to them! Dale here manifests Talent #2: Screaming in terror.

Escaping from the lizards while they fight each other, the trio encounters an imperial scouting team in mismatched armor. Their declaration, “You’re prisoners!”, triggers Flash’s automatic protective instincts toward Dale, but Zarkov convinces him to come along peacefully so that they can see the emperor of this planet Mongo: Ming! (He is not here referred to as “The Merciless,” which would have clued Zarkov in that the idea of negotiating probably isn’t going to work.)

Ming (Charles Middleton) lives in a palace crowded with props and costumes from other, earlier, and presumably more expensive Universal productions. He’s a bald, quinty, pseudo-”Yellow Menace” kind of guy, and I just have this to say: When I get to the point where I can go about my day in my bathrobe, I will know I’ve got it made.

Ming’s entire nefarious plan — ready for this? — is to destroy the Earth. That’s it. He’s steering his planet across interstellar space just to find and blow up another one. Hey, Ming, how ’bout you use some of your resources on the many political rebels we’re going to encounter in upcoming episodes? Or at least clear the carnivorous lizards out of your back yard? And Zarkov almost proves himself fully as brilliant by giving Ming the idea to conquer the Earth instead of just smushing it. For his troubles, Zarkov is sent to a lab to work on imperial science projects, while Dale…

See, no population on Mongo ever experienced that odd genetic mutation which produced blondes in Northern European stock here on Earth. Ming is immediately entranced by Dale, and plans to immediately make her his bride. Meanwhile, Ming’s militaristic-vamp daughter Princess Aura (Priscilla Lawson) has the same reaction toward Flash. (Dale’s Talent #3: Pissing Aura off by her mere presence.) Flash, though, is determined to dance with the one he brung, and assaults the lecherous Ming. For his troubles, he gets himself condemned to combat in The Arena, which is fortunately an antechamber of the throneroom.

Princess Aura swings a deal with Dad that, should Flash survive The Arena, he’ll be her personal playtoy. And once they get the scrappy earthman into the cage (should a single polo player be able to hold off quite so many professional soldiers?), he’s attacked by — three of the sorriest-looking “beast men” you ever did see. It’s just three normal looking guys, two wearing fakey fangs, dressed in loinclothes and swinging their arms in a vaguely ape-like fashion. They’re not even particularly hirsute. They also prove to be crummy fighters, and Flash quickly overpowers them once his shirt has been ripped in a thoroughly manly fashion.

Ming, though, isn’t planning to honor his bargain, so Aura breaks into The Arena before Ming can activate the switch for The Pit. Unfortunately, Aura chooses to stand with Flash right on the very floor section which is the trapdoor into The Pit. A lever is pulled, and Dale screams (natcherly) as Flash and Aura plummet into the darkness.

Next Week: “The Tunnel of Terror”